The life of a Backstreet wife
Behind every good man is a great woman!
If you’ve seen Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of, you’ll notice the documentary doesn’t delve into the band’s family lives. “It wasn’t on purpose – it was just that we had so much to tell with just the five of us,” says Howie.
But don’t be fooled – the Backstreet wives have all played their part in supporting their husbands, and in turn the band, over the years.
So, what does it take to be married to AJ, Nick, Howie, Kevin and Brian? We get the lowdown from AJ’s wife Rochelle about the life of a Backstreet wife …
What did you know about BSB when you met AJ?
I saw them in concert when I was 17, so I was familiar with their music. I was a dancer, so I knew some dancers that toured with them on Black and Blue, but I was more a New Kids and *NSYNC fan.
When we met, my tastes had changed to rock’n’roll and emo, so I didn’t know they were still recording and touring. I was very hesitant to go out with him. He had the reputation of the bad boy and going to rehab. But he was so nice! So I gave it a shot.
How hard was it adjusting to dating someone always getting female attention and travelling?
My dad works in entertainment and I’ve done hair and make-up on-set and been around celebrities my whole life, so I understand that’s their job. And I’m a huge fan of 30 Seconds to Mars so I would get excited too if I saw Jared Leto!
What I’ve had trouble adjusting to is people taking an interest in me because I’m married to him. Everyone’s so kind, but it’s weird when people want pictures with me.
You and Nick’s wife Lauren have had a harder time with haters, partly because social media is bigger now than it was when the others met their wives, so it’s easier for fans to voice their feelings. How difficult has that been?
You have to thicken your skin, but it breaks you down sometimes and you wonder how somebody can have opinions about someone they don’t know.
Something that was really hard was people saying I was a drug addict and partied a lot. I don’t drink, I’ve never touched a drug in my life and I’ve been super-supportive of AJ and his recovery. There was a photo taken of me in Las Vegas toasting our engagement and I literally took a sip of champagne then put the glass down and that one photograph got so much backlash.
Lately, it’s more if I post a picture of Ava people will give their opinion of how to parent or tell me her seatbelt in her car-seat is wrong. That’s where I tell myself that I know what my truth is – and maybe Ava moved her buckle!
Poor Lauren though – she’s gotten it the worst and it’s hard to see that as her friend. But there are so many more fans who are loving and supportive, so I don’t let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch.
The other huge obstacle has been AJ’s addiction struggles. He seems to be doing better than ever, but how was it in the early days suddenly having to deal with not just his fame and fans, but his alcoholism?
The alcoholism and drug addiction has been our biggest obstacle as a couple. When we started dating is when he was at his worst, so I walked into something that I had no idea how to deal with. I didn’t even know what was going on in the beginning. I knew he drank, but didn’t know he was using drugs. I was very naïve because I was never around that, so it was a learning process.
I go to Al-Anon, which is a support group for people who have loved ones that are addicts, and I talk to a therapist whose proficiency is family, addiction and recovery. We both work strong programs separately, so I’ve had to learn that I can’t babysit him, that it’s an illness and how to deal with that.
Was there ever a day where you went, ‘No. I can’t do this anymore’?
We had that day when Ava was around six-months-old and he then checked into a sober living to regain his wits about him. It’s different now with a child, so from that point we decided he needed to work harder. I wasn’t leaving him and it wasn’t because I don’t love him, but we have a daughter and have to make sure she’s raised in the best environment – and that day was not the best environment for her. So he went to a sober living, we worked it out and he’s been doing good ever since.
On the flipside, what’s the coolest thing about being a Backstreet wife? Have you gotten to meet any of your own idols?
Hanging with the New Kids was my ultimate and I’ll never forget the first weekend on the road with them. I had laryngitis for a week afterwards from all the screaming and singing. Meeting Lance Bass was surreal and he’s become a close friend.
Meeting Justin Timberlake was really cool – we ran into him at a restaurant and I had to play it all cool like it wasn’t a big deal!
And just being able to see the world and experience it with him is amazing.
What are the most important qualities for being a Backstreet wife?
Patience because everything’s changing at the drop of a hat and out on the road you’re always waiting for something – showtime, soundcheck, the bus to leave.
You have to be trustworthy because we spend a lot of time away from our husbands and you have to know that being a wife – and especially raising a family – a lot of the responsibility falls back on you. You have to do a lot by yourself.
That’s challenging as a wife and mom, but it’s funny because then when they’re home, they’re home. When they’re gone they’re gone, then they’re home all the time.
We saw on I Heart Nick Carter, Nick and Lauren at odds over Lauren wanting to stay behind in Paris. How do you and AJ strike that balance of nurturing what is often a long-distance relationship, but also maintaining your independence?
Since we started dating I have always worked. I love my job and I’m proud of my work so that’s a big priority for me. If AJ’s going be gone for 10 weeks, I’ll go out right in the middle for two and we’ve always tried to find that balance.
I lost myself in my previous relationship, so that was one of my biggest things coming into this – keeping my own identity. That couldn’t be harder by marrying a celebrity because you become “AJ’s wife”. But I’ve made that priority.
What would be a somewhat typical day on tour?
Before Ava we would sleep all day! With Ava, we get out and sightsee as a family.
But it’s actually not fun – 14 days on tour is my max. People don’t understand you have to shower inside venues where you wear flip-flops because you don’t know what’s on that floor and there are days we haven’t seen the sunlight because you drive all night then wake up parked underground.
You can’t go number two on the bus – if you’ve got to go number two, everyone on your bus knows because you have to tell them, “Hey I gotta go to the bathroom!”
All humility goes out the window. We see each other in our pyjamas. The first time I went on the road I packed super-cute clothes and heels and now it’s leggings and comfy clothes because we’re lounging most of the time. It’s not glamorous!
But it’s really cool to see the world, meet new people and take Ava to places like the Dublin Zoo. She’s gotten to see some amazing things – and she’s only two!
*Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of continues its international launch this month. France, New Zealand, Australia, Mexico, Poland and Japan – you’re up next! And Finland, don’t forget your encore screening 9 March!
By Leena Tailor / @LeenaNZ